Food often holds a deep connection to our memories and emotions, and sometimes, it’s more than just a meal. My mom’s anchovy dish was one such example. It was a cherished recipe that carried the love and care she put into feeding her family.
About ten years ago, my mother visited and made a large batch of this special dish, knowing how much I loved it. It was a gesture of love and support, especially during a busy time in my life.
However, what should have been a comforting reminder of her care turned into a hurtful memory. A few days after my mother’s visit, I discovered that the anchovies had been thrown away by someone I trusted. This act, seemingly minor to some, felt like a deep betrayal and disregard for my mother’s effort and my feelings.
In this post, I want to share how this experience impacted me emotionally and the lasting effect it has had on my view of respect and trust in relationships.
The Story of My Mom’s Anchovy Dish
When my daughters were still quite young, around 7 and 8 years old, we were all adjusting to the changes following my separation from their father a few years earlier. I had started dating someone who lived nearby, close to the duplex I had rented near my shop. After about six months, we decided to move in together. Then, shortly after, my parents came to visit.
During their stay, my mother made one of my favorite dishes: small anchovies stir-fried in oil with Shishito peppers and soy sauce. My mom’s anchovy dish was a comfort food for me, perfect with steamed rice or porridge. Therefore, she prepared a generous batch, ensuring I would have plenty to enjoy over the coming days.
However, a few days after my parents left, I went to the refrigerator to get some of the anchovies, only to find they were missing. I searched the entire fridge, but they were nowhere to be found.
When I asked my boyfriend if he had seen them, thinking he might have already eaten them. After all, he had enjoyed the anchovy dish when my mom first made it. Instead, he bluntly told me he had thrown them out. There was no apology or hint of regret; he simply said he had disposed of it all.
Disbelief and Confusion
When he told me that he had thrown it out, my initial reaction was one of disbelief. I couldn’t fathom how someone I trusted and cared about could do something so thoughtless. I hoped there was some sort of explanation or misunderstanding. Perhaps something that would make sense of why he would throw away my mom’s anchovy dish without consulting me.
What made the situation even more painful was his response. There was no apology or explanation—just a flat statement that he had thrown it all away. At first, I wasn’t even angry; I was simply confused. It seemed so out of character for him, and I struggled to understand why he would act this way.
I tried to mask the hurt and the sense of disrespect I felt on behalf of my mother. Days passed as I wrestled with my feelings, replaying the events in my mind and searching for a way to address the issue.
My boyfriend, however, acted as though nothing had happened, refusing to acknowledge my feelings or discuss the matter. This lack of empathy only added to my frustration, leaving me to navigate the emotional fallout on my own while grappling with how to confront him about the incident.
Struggling for Understanding and Respect
For weeks and even years, I tried to confront him in search of a meaningful explanation for what happened to my mom’s anchovy dish. I brought it up on numerous occasions, hoping for a sincere discussion about why he discarded something so important to me. Each time, he would eventually offer a brief, almost dismissive apology, as if trying to quickly end the conversation. His apologies never felt genuine, which only deepened my hurt and frustration.
It wasn’t just about the dish; it felt like a personal insult to me, my parents, and our cultural heritage. My mom’s anchovy dish wasn’t just a meal—it was a symbol of my mom’s love and traditions. By ignoring it, he seemed to disregard all of that.
Despite my repeated attempts to understand his actions, I never received a heartfelt explanation. He simply said he didn’t like the dish, which didn’t justify his decision to throw it away without discussing it with me first.
The lack of respect and understanding left me feeling disrespected, and the pain of that incident still lingers today. Each time I think about it, I am reminded of the hurt and the cultural disregard I felt, making it a difficult memory to reconcile with.
Seeking Peace with My Mom’s Anchovy Dish
My boyfriend at the time, who later became my second husband, is no longer with us. He tragically passed away in a bike accident after our divorce in 2021. Despite his absence, I still struggle to understand why he did what he did with my mom’s anchovy dish.
Writing about this painful experience helps me find peace. Reflecting on these events allows me to confront the hurt, acknowledge the complexities of our relationship, and seek closure. This process is about honoring the past and finding a path to healing and acceptance.
For tips on how to apologize sincerely, check out my previous post. It offers valuable insights on making a genuine and effective apology.
