In the environment I was raised, where public displays of affection were rare, I developed a unique perspective on love and relationships. My parents, who valued quiet care and controlled emotions, taught me a different kind of love through unspoken lessons. They viewed public displays of affection as vulnerabilities to be avoided, favoring a more subtle, reserved way of showing care. These unspoken lessons formed the foundation of my understanding of love and relationships, leaving a lasting impact on how I approach both.
In this post, I’ll share the subtle love lessons my parents instilled in me and how they’ve shaped my experiences and interactions in relationships.
Love Lessons: Growing Up Without Affection
In our Korean household, openly showing affection wasn’t common. It was part of the cultural norm to keep emotions in check and value modesty. Instead, my parents expressed their love through their hard work and dedication to the family.
As a child, it was common to see my parents interact in a reserved, almost formal manner. They believed showing affection was a sign of weakness. So, hugs and kisses were simply not part of our daily routine. Instead, their parenting style focused on teaching us independence and strength rather than emotional expressions.
We never heard the words “I love you” growing up. We never questioned it—we simply assumed they loved us. My parents showed their love through their hard work, sacrifices, and the way they took care of us every day. For them, these actions expressed their love for us more than words ever could.
Love Lessons I Never Learned
Looking back, it’s clear that my parents were very uncomfortable teaching us love lessons. This discomfort came from their own upbringing, where they never received guidance about love from their parents. As a result, they avoided these topics and kept us from learning about them. This unease also affected my siblings, most of whom ended up in arranged marriages, which my parents saw as more acceptable.
When I went to college and started dating, I realized how much I lacked the guidance and comfort with intimacy. Without any discussions or teachings about relationships, I felt unprepared to handle the complexities of romantic connections. My upbringing, with its absence of love lessons, left me to figure out these important lessons on my own.
Overcoming Challenges in Love and Affection
Because of my struggles with affection and intimacy, I’ve had a hard time forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Not understanding love and how to express it has left me feeling lost in romantic connections. I’ve often avoided relationships because I didn’t know how to navigate them, and I feared making the same mistakes again.
The lack of love lessons in my upbringing also left me unsure of how to connect with others emotionally. In my past marriages, my difficulty showing affection was often misunderstood, which led to tension and eventually separation. It’s been a painful journey, but I’ve learned that learning about love and how to express it is essential for building strong and lasting relationships.
Lessons About Love
Looking back, I’ve learned many valuable love lessons about relationships that I didn’t fully understand before. I now realize how important it is to express love openly, both through words and actions. With my daughters, I’ve made it a point to show them love every day—through hugs, kind words, and spending quality time together. I want them to feel comfortable with affection and understand that it’s okay to express love freely.
As for my future relationships, I’m more aware of the importance of communication and showing affection. I’ve learned that love isn’t just about doing things for someone, but about connecting emotionally and making them feel valued.
I’m taking small steps to open up more, be affectionate, and let my guard down in a healthy way. I know it will take time, but I’m committed to making these changes, both for myself and for the people I care about.
