Feeling inadequate is something many of us experience, especially when it comes to family. Growing up, I often felt like I didn’t measure up to my family’s expectations. This feeling can be hard to shake, affecting our self-esteem and confidence. However, understanding why we feel this way is the first step toward overcoming it.
In this blog, I will share my journey of dealing with these feelings and how they have affected me over the years.
Overcoming Cultural Expectations
From the moment I was born into a traditional Korean family, I felt an invisible weight due to the community’s preference for boys. My arrival was met with quiet sympathy, making me feel unimportant.
As I grew older, I realized how deeply these traditional expectations impacted my sense of worth. My parents valued my brothers more, encouraging them to pursue their dreams while I was expected to find a wealthy husband.
These views left me feeling confined and inadequate, as my accomplishments often seemed overshadowed by my brothers’. The constant comparisons deepened my feelings of inadequacy and made me question my abilities. In school, I struggled to feel confident while watching others receive praise for their achievements.
Growing Up with Gender Inequality
Even after moving to the United States as a young child, the feeling of unworthiness only grew stronger. Adapting to a new country was already a challenge, but I also felt just as, if not more, inadequate within my own family.
My parents held on to traditional gender expectations, which meant that girls were often confined to the kitchen. From a young age, my sister and I took on most of the household chores. I spent many mealtimes near the kitchen, ready to help simply because of my gender.
One moment stands out in my memory: I once refused to fetch water for my brother when he asked. Instead of supporting my decision, my mother reprimanded me, reinforcing an expectation that didn’t make sense to me, even as a child. Despite my resistance, I found myself helplessly complying, feeling trapped by these unfair expectations.
The ongoing disparity in gender roles and the unfairness of it all led to a profound belief in my inadequacy. This doubt shaped how I viewed myself within my family and society, leaving a lasting impact on my self-worth and identity. As a result, it became challenging to recognize my value beyond traditional expectations.
My Path Beyond Parental Expectations
From an early age, my parents set high expectations for my brothers, encouraging them to become doctors as part of our American Dream. However, my academic struggles in college made the dentistry career they envisioned for me seem unattainable. Instead, I stumbled into becoming a small business owner.
From that point on, I couldn’t shake the feeling of disappointment from not meeting my parents’ expectations. This sense of falling short in their eyes weighed heavily on me. As a result, rebuilding my self-esteem became a challenging journey, overshadowed by persistent feelings of inadequacy.
The internal battle continued as I tried to reconcile their dreams with my accomplishments. It was a struggle to redefine success and find validation beyond their ambitions.
Living with Feelings of Inadequacy
In choosing a partner, I decided to go against my parents’ wishes. It felt like a way to assert my independence and take control of my life. However, after two divorces, the feeling of inadequacy continued to haunt me and affect my self-worth.
My parents’ disappointment echoed through their constant reminders of what they viewed as my mistakes. Their disapproval went beyond just words; it turned into embarrassment within the family. They often hesitated to talk about me with their friends, as if my choices had brought shame to our family.
Their frequent comparisons to my financially successful siblings added to my pain. As they praised my siblings’ achievements, it felt like an indirect comment on my perceived failures, both professionally and in my relationships. This constant comparison deepened my emotional pain and reinforced the feelings of inadequacy I experienced in their eyes.
Balancing Expectations and Independence
Even today as I embark on a new phase of my life, I often feel under constant scrutiny from my parents. Although they have good intentions, their criticisms of my past decisions create doubts about my future choices. Their well-meaning comments about my life choices echo in my mind, making me question whether I am living up to their expectations.
Each time I share my plans or aspirations, I sense their skepticism, which adds weight to my already heavy heart. They frequently bring up my previous decisions that didn’t align with their vision for my life, reinforcing the feeling that I have disappointed them. This leads me to second-guess my instincts and wonder if I’m making the right choices.
While I appreciate their concern, this scrutiny often feels stifling. I want to carve out my own path and embrace my individuality, but the fear of disappointing them lingers. Balancing my desire for independence with the longing for their approval has become a delicate dance. This struggle leaves me anxious, uncertain, and grappling with inadequate feelings.
Overcoming Inadequate Feelings
As I deal with my parents’ expectations and my own dreams, I’m learning to embrace who I am. Although the pressure to make them proud can feel overwhelming, I realize that my worth isn’t just about their approval. This journey is helping me understand that it’s okay to follow my own path, even if it’s different from what they want for me.
By recognizing my feelings of inadequacy, I’m starting to build my confidence and make choices that feel right for me. Moving forward, I hope to find a balance between respecting my family’s values and being true to myself, allowing me to enjoy the unique journey ahead.
Be sure to check out my related article on having overprotective parents and how their actions have impacted my life.
